Only tongue-in-cheek definitions of a masters swimmer is provided here. If you were wondering about the difference between a master swimmer and a masters swimmer, it's not a singular/plural interchangeable thing. A master refers to an original or a person who has obtained the highest level in their discipline whilst masters refers to sports minded adults.

Skeptics say that being a masters swimmer means we don't use big words where a diminutive one will suffice or that we can never imagine a world with no hypothetical situations. The truth is, we don't ponder why phonetic is not spelled the way it sounds or why Hawaii has 3 interstate highways. Masters swimmers simply know that brassiere is singular, panties are plural and what happens when you turn on your vehicle headlights when travelling at the speed of light.

Everyone knows that old footballers never die, they just lose their balls. How do masters swimmers do it?

• Masters swimmers do it best in water.
• Freestylers do it with a good roll.
• Butterflyers do it with two hands and heavy breathing.
• Backstrokers do it without ever seeing where they're going.
• Breaststrokers do it with a wave.
• Individual Medley'rs do it at least four different ways.
• Relay teams do it with a good touch.
• Masters distance swimmers do it longer.

There is a certain sensual nature in swimming because skin, afterall, is the largest sense organ in the body. It is therefore no accident that Masters Swimming is popular and everyone says it is good for you.

So what is it all about and how do you become a Masters Swimmer? Well, age plays the most important part but perhaps it is also about knowing who FINA are and where they are so you know the direction in which you should bow before you start your workouts. It might also have something to do with knowing the date of the next full moon.

Masters Swimmers train because they want to enjoy the quality of life and generally want to be able to throw back whatever life has been inclined to throw at them. By the time you reach 50 or beyond, you will probably believe that the age to which you will live is not really important, provided they are good years and you remain fit and mobile.

Fitness should be for living and not for avoiding death and to repeat that very popular joke - if you are ever asked how you would prefer to die, you would probably prefer to go quietly in your sleep like my grandfather, not kicking and screaming like the passengers in his car.